Why I’m Taking the Summer Off

It’s been so many years since I’ve taken a summer vacation that I can’t remember the last time I took one. Why now, you might wonder. Why now, when my kids are almost launched—Eli heading off to college in August and Lizzy rounding the bend into 10th grade—am I finally taking a whole summer off? Why didn’t I do it when my kids were younger, when they really needed me? Why did I keep working? Keep writing? Keep producing? Keep teaching? Because I thought I had to. Because I was a breadwinner. Because I was afraid to stop. I didn’t know how to say no.

But now I must. I must say it loudly and repeatedly. I must keep saying it to myself and to everyone around me, but most especially to myself. Something in my midlife, sandwich generation, post-cancer, pre-empty nest brain and heart is screaming at me to take a break, to regroup, to stop my momentum. To find out who I am and who I am meant to be. Or to find out nothing of the sort—just to simply be.

Lately, my life has all been about momentum—I’ve been a slave to the forward thrust into the next thing and the next thing and the next. And in the process of bowing to that headlong drive into the future, I’ve lost so many of the precious things that give life value—time to walk, time to think, time to daydream, time to visit with friends, time to sort through piles, time to throw things away, time to lay around and read a book. Time to waste. Time to ponder. Time to feel. Time to burn my lists.

Years ago, I showed up at Omland, the land my cousin Miriam and her family lived on, at the top of a mountain in Boulder Creek. To get there, you had to park your car on a dirt road and hike 1/3 of a mile straight uphill. It was an arduous climb and Miriam created little sitting places, resting places, and watering stations for anyone who had the courage and determination to make the climb. Each year, Miriam had an annual party up top, and one day, when I was in my early twenties, before I got bogged down with obligations, responsibilities, children, parents, students, lists, volunteering and earning a living, when I was still fancy-free, I hiked up to Miriam’s land for the annual bash. And when I got there, my cousin was running around in her hippie skirt and her long kinky hair with a big, giant frown on her face and a list of things that still had to be done. “Make a watermelon boat” the list might have said. “Rake the dirt paths.” “Scrub the big wooden table.” “Dust the “refrigerator” which in their case was a big deep rectangular dirt hole dug into the ground with a wooden top hinged on top of it—things did stay cooler down there; after all, they were underground. There was no electricity or gas or plumbing up at Omland. There was a hand-carved shitter with the most remarkable view of the surrounding mountains and acres and acres of virgin forest. And yet, even up there, in Eden, Miriam was fretting over her list.

“I know what to do,” I tole her. “Let me help.” And I took her list and walked over to the wood stove, and used the little metal lifty thing to lift up one of the round front metal burners, the one right over the small fire, hot with kindling, that was waiting for the ash covered tea kettle, and I tossed Miriam’s List of the Undone onto the flames and we watched it burn. Miriam immediately woke from her trance and started to laugh. “Thanks, cuz,” she said, “now I feel a whole lot better.”

I’m taking this summer off because I need to wake from my trance. I need to remember who I am when plans don’t run my life and the future doesn’t own me. I need to travel. I need to sit. I need to sleep past six AM. I need to have adventures. I need to catch precious moments with my son, clearing out his room for college. I need to walk with my daughter on the streets of Paris and hear her chatter in French as she bargains for fashionable hand-me-downs in French flea markets. I need to walk to “my” beach in Santa Cruz, to have days where I get up and don’t know what I’m going to do—even if it’s scary. I need to melt into open spaces, to feel empty and uncertain again. I need to feel whatever there is to feel underneath all that busy.

And so no matter how scary and challenging it is to stop my momentum and my teaching and my business, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. And I hope come fall when I’m back from vacation and Eli is launched—I’ll re-enter this life—the busy, doing life with a measure more sanity and grace and humor—and a much more sustained ability to say no—most of all to myself. 

Comments

  1. Erica Riss-Krieger says

    Watching
    Hi Laura,
    I have been here. Sitting on the sidelines. Watching, reading, soaking things in that are right for me. Mostly watching. Observing your momentum. Observing the amazing things you create here. Observing that ever-forward momentum you must be speaking about. And I’ve been in awe…and I’ve been wondering…”how does she do it? When does she rest?” And so I send you a standing ovation for your choice to take a summer break. I wish you time to dream, time to be, time to get sand in between your toes on your beach and all the time your big heart needs to replenish. I am ever a fan – but not just of what your momentum produces…I am a fan of your being.
    Hugs,
    Erica

  2. Garia Gant says

    Why I’m taking……
    A thousand yeses to your decision to take the summer off. The intention, right on! The volition, in the absence of necessity, I often find troublesome… Garia

  3. Careen says

    Laura,
    I felt tears forming in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat as I read your note.
    When I sold my house a few years ago I took the money from the sale and journeyed with my two daughters Whitney and Kristin to Sweden. I wanted them to see where our family came from and to meet our family still living there. Spending time with my children that summer, trying new foods, new adventures, new relationships was amazing, just the three of us, our little family, for the last time that way. Life has moved on fast and furious and they both have new wonderful men in their lives and life is beautiful. But that summer! That summer was unforgettable.
    I am so happy for you…there are no words I am just happy for you!
    Cheers!

  4. Laura Davis says

    thanks
    I really appreciate your encouragement–and all the private emails and notes I’ve gotten about my decision to take the summer off and to travel with Lizzy.

  5. Maira says

    EmpowerMentor
    Hi Laura,
    Wow! I just discovered you through Jen Louden and absolutely love love love this post. You’ve given me permission to do the same- take the summer off and play. And while, I probably won’t take the entire summer off, your words remind me of my power to choose.

    This was my favorite: “I’m taking this summer off because I need to wake from my trance. I need to remember who I am when plans don’t run my life and the future doesn’t own me.”

    I cant wait to learn more from and about you after your much deserved summer’s break!

  6. Laura Davis says

    thanks Maira…
    Welcome, Maira. Can’t wait to hear what you do to slow down this summer….let me know!

  7. ssingal says

    BRAVO!!
    Thanks for letting a slightly younger person know that it’s ok to not always be pushing forward in at attempt to create a fuller life w/more people, relationships, activities, and pursuits. I think I need to enjoy this time I have for myself right now because I may not always have it, and sometimes the loneliness I feel can actually be a gift (in disguise). Thanks also for letting me know that if and when my life does get busier, to not get so lost in the “busy” that you forget to enjoy the important moments. Hmmm, wonder if we’re ever supposed to figure this whole “life” thing out… Congrats to you and best wishes for your summer break– sounds lovely… and very inspirational.

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