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Equilibrium

April 28, 2009 By Laura Davis 2 Comments · · · · · · Read & Respond

 Looking through my notebook, I found this piece I wrote last November, after Ellen Bass and I spoke at an event celebrating the publication of the 20th anniversary edition of our book, The Courage to Heal. I was struck by the sense of harmony I had at the moment I wrote it. I don’t have that sense of equilibrium anymore…

Sometimes, like right now, I feel happy. This happiness has nothing to do with any event in my life. If is as if I am sitting in a place of equilibrium inside myself. I imagine a hammock stretched from the tip of my head to my toes and myself lounging on it easily. There is no tension in my body that wants to spring up and do the next thing. There is no longing for something I do not have. There is no desire to make anyone around me different than how they are. I am satisfied, no pleased, with what I am doing in my work and in my life and for the first time in a long time, the first time ever? I feel as if I am in balance.

 I have always had a to do list or two, a yellow legal pad that stays handwritten no matter how technological I become. I have always cherished the items on the list, crossing them out (and yes, I am one of those Type As who puts items I’ve already accomplished on my list, after I’d done them, just for the pleasure of crossing them out). The past few days, I can’t remember where my list was. Today I did not look for it to bring it to class. The list, which has been my constant companion is not with me and I don’t care.

 There are a lot of things I don’t care about anymore that I cared deeply about, things which brought me great distress, like why doesn’t Karyn do things my way or why can’t I control the number of hours Eli spends on the computer? What I feel instead is a deep pool of acceptance, as if I am sitting inside my head, peering out through my eyeballs, my feet swinging contentedly, thinking, “What a great show it all is! Everyone playing their parts just perfectly!” I am not striving, wanting, needing. I am not feeling deprived or less than. I am not hungry for something I do not have. I am not looking for my life to be other than it is.

 I have always known intellectually, by objectively looking at all the data, that I have a good life, but I have not felt it. I have not been able to feel it in each of my cells, normal or cancer ridden. I have not been able to know it in my toes, even when those toes are numb from chemotherapy. I have not known it in my foggy brain, but today I know it. I feel it. I sense it in everything I see, hear, touch and taste.

 I spent half a century operating from a sense of scarcity and disconnection, 50 years of striving, and trying to become, and wanting to achieve and waiting for a better future. I spent 50 years trying to escape the bad, when really it is the bad, the hard, the difficult, the challenging that have been my greatest teachers. That’s what I forgot to say the other night when I was speaking at the celebration we had for the 20th anniversary The Courage to Heal. That one of the greatest things I have learned in the last two and a half decades of healing is that the most painful times of unimaginable anguish, grief and suffering, are the true agents of change.

 Everything I did not need, all those unnecessary coping devices and habits, were scraped clean by the cancer, layer upon layer. And it is as if I am slowly waking up from this long period of limbo into a new world. A world that moves slower, a world that holds more wonder, a world that is satisfied unto itself, a world that waits with excitement for what is next. I no longer have to take my life in my hands and fashion it into what I think it should be. I have only to notice and to watch and to step into what is already in front of me.

 For weeks, I have just felt a strange emptiness where all that striving and distress used to be. I couldn’t have answered the question, “What do you do?” or “What are you doing these days?” with anything other than, “Well, I’m learning to relax.” “I’m savoring being alive.” Or, “I don’t know. I’m just in between.”

 Now that emptiness is changing into a glorious yet quiet sense of peace, a quiet where all the constant mental wrangling used to be. By doing nothing, I am achieving something far more profound than all the things I have accomplished in the world. I am finding peace by letting go. I am finding peace by meeting each moment with curiosity and acceptance and wonder. I am finding happiness sprouting up unbidden in the rocky cold terrain that used to be my soul. If I am to “do,” it is going to come from this quiet place naturally, not because I tried to manipulate or maneuver or create anything.  I am experiencing the quietude that comes with a life without momentum

Wednesday night’s event showed me in a very graphic way just how far I have come. Today I am floating in the sense of ease that comes with a job well done, a life well lived, a covenant fulfilled. A cycle has been completed and a fallow field waits happily for spring. 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: cancer, Laura's stories, Laura's wisdom, memoir, spirituality, writing practice

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Comments

  1. lisa Buell says

    May 10, 2009 at 7:09 am

    Those feelings can be so fleeting. I really appreciated what you had to say about the challenges…thank you Laura- I am totally hooked. Great newsletter. 🙂

    Reply
  2. Wally says

    May 13, 2009 at 8:33 am

    Living in the moment and being detached from the battle
    The beauty of writing down our thoughts, feelings, reflections is the ability to refer back to those touchstones from the past. The words on those lines are solid, never changing, while our minds are constantly evolving and shifting, resetting our course and our speed.

    Reply

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Like this Virtual Vacation?

You can also read about Laura’s travels to:

Peru 2017

In which Laura and Karyn and 18 writers explore Machu Picchu and the Sacred Valley of Peru.

Serbia 2017

In which Laura leads a workshop at the Incest Trauma Center.

Greece 2016

In which Laura explores the wonders of Crete and Santorini with a wide-eyed group of Write, Travel, Transform adventurers.

Vietnam 2015/16

In which Laura, who grew up during the Vietnam War, goes to Southeast Asia and finds out what Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia are really like today.

Commonweal 2015

A journey toward healing loss and grief in a magnificent Northern California setting.

Scotland 2015

In which Laura returns to Scotland with a new group for another jaunt through the wonders of the Scottish Highlands.

Scotland 2013

In which Laura attends the Edinburgh theatre festival and leads 14 writers to a magical retreat in the highlands of Northern Scotland.

Bali 2013

In which Laura visits Australia, and spends three weeks diving, exploring, and teaching in three regions of Bali.

Florida 2014

A journey into old age in America in which Laura brings her 86-year-old mother to Florida so she can see her last surviving sister one final time.

Mexico 2014

In which Laura attends the San Miguel Writer’s Conference and explores the artistic towns around Patzcuaro.

About Laura Davis

In the course of my career as a communicator, I have also worked as a columnist, talk show host, radio reporter, radio producer, blogger, editor, and speaker. Words have always been at the core of my work and my self-expression. Read More . . .

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Retreating with Laura: Julie Sheehan

Julie Sheehan

For many years I put off my dream of writing and traveling. I told myself the kids were too little, my husband could never survive without me, that I couldn't possibly be so selfish. I couldn't imagine realistically stepping out of all of my responsibilities and roles. Then I started attending Laura’s summer retreat at Commonweal in northern California and that became an annual gift to myself for the next three years.

When the opportunity to travel with Laura internationally came up, my Land of Later mentality said I could never pull it off. But when my friend got cancer at age 39, I decided to stop taking life and it's endless opportunities to grow, live, nurture and explore myself for granted.

My children were 6 and 9 when I began allowing myself the luxurious pleasure of taking 10 days to two weeks each year to travel abroad with Laura, to spend time with like minded, soul searching people who share a passion for living and writing, to have all my meals prepared for me, to have the space and freedom to stretch out of my cage and check in with who I am, what I want, and how best to get there.

Laura is a skilled and nurturing teacher who encourages her students to take risks, to grow as human beings, and to be vulnerable. She has provided me with a forum where I can gain all my CEUs and learn techniques on how to become a more engaging writer, all while completing yearly emotional rehab.

I return home from each of Laura’s trip a little wiser, a little more open, and a lot more compassionate. I greet my family, friends and daily life with sparkly, clean energy and a renewed patience, brought about by way of re-writing old stories that I needed to let go of. I come home ready to move forward in my life.

A retreat with Laura Davis is one of the best gifts I ever received and gave myself. It took many years to realize that I was worth the time and financial investment, but now there is no looking back.

Julie Sheehan, Livermore California

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