“It doesn’t matter to me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.”
–Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Writing Retreats
Whether you are a beginner, an established writer, a published author, or are looking for a creative vacation with your spouse…I have a retreat for you.
(I refrain from all self-judgment in writing this, no matter how difficult this may be.)
What I long for more than anything else in life — indeed, the only thing I long for — is to be with JG. I have never met JG. He is (apparently) a character in a book I wrote. There is no evidence that he ever existed. Nevertheless I want to be with him more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I want to stand on the banks of the Danube in Budapest with his arms around me, gazing down at the water, my head resting on his shoulder. I want to rest secure in the knowledge that he will know what to do, where to go, what to say, and will be able to speak whatever language the situation requires. I want to formally give up responsibility for these matters, forever. If I find him I never want to leave his side. If I do not find him, then he is the one person I want to see on the other side when I die. If I die and he is not there, I want whoever is there to explain to me who he is/was so I can finally be free from the torment of not knowing this.
This is the only space in this world where I have ever expressed this desire. No one knows about this.
Just in case this may mean something to someone who reads this and is going through the same thing, also without any support, here is a quote from Fernando Pessoa:
“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.”
J, thanks for your honest sharing. I can understand your draw to a character you created. We can create perfection for us with our imaginations. Real life is another matter.
I’m leaning more toward the view that this is a person I knew in a past life, and that he wants me to tell his story. This suggests I should go on writing about him in order to find out more!!
Thanks for opening up this space. I hope others will write here about their longings!
J.
I am aware of at least two people who I felt I had a past life connection with even though in this life we are with other people and having different lives.
I also believe that the family I am part of (especially my seven children and their father agreed before we were born into this life what our life plan was. There are too many tie ins to just be coincidental.
I’m glad you felt safe to share it with us here.