Over the next few weeks, I brought up our trip occasionally. Some days Mom thought her sister was coming to see her at Sunshine Villa. Other times she repeated the story about sharing the good news with Esther. “She was so delighted and surprised,” my mother informed me, every time. Esther had learned a thing or two about talking to someone with dementia. And for Mom? It was as if the trip was continually being planned for the first time.
A week before we were set to depart, I sat down with Rosa Fernandez, Mom’s RA or resident assistant, at Sunshine Villa. Rosa is the person who helps Mom with “personal care.” And on this trip, that job would be mine. So I wanted to know what was required. “Your Mom is very easy,” Rosa began. And then she told me about their routine in the morning. Rosa helps her out of bed, she gives her a shower, dries her body and rubs lotion into her skin. She washes Mom’s private parts and helps her on with her Depends. She chooses her clothes and helps Mom get into them. She applies her make-up and does her hair.
As she continued telling me how “easy” this would be, I could feel little hairs stand up all over my body. I was remembering the forty years I never wanted my mother to touch me. The years I shrank away from her touch, flinched whenever she hugged me. Over the years, I’d learned to take Mom’s hand or to rub her feet. I could stroke her cheek with genuine affection, lead her to a chair or use my body to rock her up to a standing position. But wipe my mother’s private parts? I wasn’t sure I was up for the job.
“Sometimes in the morning, “Rosa continued, “I find your mother’s teeth under the bed. Sometimes they fall out in the night or she doesn’t get them in the container. Sometimes I have to search for them a little.” Then she told me about the little pink plastic container Mom’s dentures go in at night and the Efferdent tablets I would be using to clean them. “After they’ve soaked all night, I take them out and brush them,” Rosa told me, “And then your mom pops them right in.”
“Anything else I need to know?” I asked. We were sitting in plastic chairs outside the nurse’s station at Sunshine Villa. I wasn’t sure my voice was entirely steady.
“Your Mom is easy,” Rosa reassured me. “You’ll see. It will be easy. Just tell me when you’re leaving and I’ll help pack her suitcase.”
Walking away, I wasn’t sure I was up for this journey. I wanted to take Mom, sure, but could I handle this level of intimacy with a woman I’d considered my nemesis for years? When I imagined doing all the things Rosa had told me I’d need to do, I felt squeamish and uncomfortable. But I also sensed that this was a opportunity—not just for Mom—but for me—a chance to be close to her in a way I’d never been close before. And I wanted that opportunity.
I went home and looked up Tony Hoagland’s poem, Lucky. Suddenly I understood it in a whole new way:
Lucky
If you are lucky in this life,
you will get to help your enemy
the way I got to help my mother
when she was weakened past the point of saying no.
Into the big enamel tub
half-filled with water
which I had made just right,
I lowered the childish skeleton
she had become.
Her eyelids fluttered as I soaped and rinsed
her belly and her chest,
the sorry ruin of her flanks
and the frayed gray cloud
between her legs.
Some nights, sitting by her bed
book open in my lap
while I listened to the air
move thickly in and out of her dark lungs,
my mind filled up with praise
as lush as music,
amazed at the symmetry and luck
that would offer me the chance to pay
my heavy debt of punishment and love
with love and punishment.
And once I held her dripping wet
in the uncomfortable air
between the wheelchair and the tub,
until she begged me like a child
to stop,
an act of cruelty which we both understood
was the ancient irresistible rejoicing
of power over weakness.
If you are lucky in this life,
you will get to raise the spoon
of pristine, frosty ice cream
to the trusting creature mouth
of your old enemy
because the tastebuds at least are not broken
because there is a bond between you
and sweet is sweet in any language.
This blog touches the very core of my being. As always, Laura, thanks for writing what I feel. Love to you, your mom, and Karyn.
Thanks Bing, lovely to hear from you.
PS I may be in touch soon. If Lizzy gets into one if her DC schools, we may be visiting near you during her Spring Break.
That poem! OMG.
Yes. Tony Hoagland is a phenomenal poet. I suggest you check out his work.
What a powerful poem. And a perfect reminder of what we can bring ourselves to do when required and the benefits that can come from it.
Hi Jennifer, Yes.
As always, thank you for your heart felt honesty, and your ability to put feelings into words.
Thanks Carol. I miss you. Let’s connect when I get home!
Wow, Laura Davis, what a wonderful opportunity to heal~ and to heal deeply completely bitter and sweetly~
Thank you for your eloquence and thank you for sharing it with us.
For our generation it is common ground to be the compassionate caregivers to our parents as we launch our grown children onto their adult adventures. Perhaps the greatest challenge may be to practice self compassion as we move through this complicated time?
Renee G
Joy in the Journey
The sandwich generation? That’s us. Our immediate familial circle of concern spreads from our six month old granddaughter to my frail mother. With a lot of souls in between.
Yes! We are Sooooo like a Dagwood Sandwich!! Layers and layers! Messy, joyous, sorrowful and wonderful all at the same time!
I have read every post. Beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. Wishing you all safe and easy travel.
Thanks Eileene. Thanks for being there .
Laura, I can so feel this. My mom is coming to this point, quicker than I would like. My relationship with her is much the same as you and your mom. Funny thing, my grandparents were at Sunshine Villa. Great facility, terrible food. How did it work out for you in the end?
Hi Donna, my Mom is happy at Sunshine Villa. At times, I feel sad going in there–so many old people there who rarely get visited. But for my mom, she gets good care, she has a restful, sunny room with high ceilings, and she’s close by. It’s definitely working for our family. I’ve been in some of the alternatives and I feel grateful she’s there.