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The Experience I Did Not Choose

September 17, 2019 By Laura Davis 4 Comments · · · · · · Read & Respond

“The experience we did not choose, which we would have given anything to avoid, has made us different, has made us better. Through it we have learned the lesson that no one studies willingly, the hard, slow lesson of Sophocles and Shakespeare–that one grows by suffering. And that too is Jessy’s gift. I write not what fifteen years past I would have not have thought possible to write: that is today I were given the choice, to accept the experience, with everything that it entails, or to refuse the bitter largesse, i would have to stretch out my hands–because out of it has come, for all of us, an unimagined life. And it will not change the last word of the story. It is still love.”

–Clara Claiborne Park, The Siege, A Family’s Journey Into the World of an Autistic Child

Tell me about a time this was true in your life. Or why you can’t imagine it ever being true.

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Comments

  1. Kat says

    September 17, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    I never choose for people to tell me their secrets. I did not choose for my son to be on the Autism Spectrum and to have cerebral palsy. Without the glory that is my son I would never have had the best teacher my soul could seek.

    Other mothers are often the people who tell me their secrets. Some are mothers of neurotypical offspring and some are not. All confide they have moments they wish they were not mothers or that their children would suddenly die and be released from their daily pains or suffering. Those are big secrets.

    Still, I would never have met many of those mothers and they would not trust me with their secrets if it were not for my amazing son.

    I also did not choose for him to be a better painter than I am. This brings him great glee and for that I am glad.

    Reply
  2. Wynne Preston says

    September 17, 2019 at 3:34 pm

    Approximately 9 months ago I was diagnosed with Menier’s Disease. This is a disease of the inner ear which causes severe vertigo attacks and severe hearing loss. Mine was to the point that I needed surgery, because the attacks were so frequent. I had an endolymphatic shunt put in to help with drainage. I have to take a diuretic and watch my salt intake. I now have a hearing aid for the ear impacted by this disease. I am told that in 5 to 10 years it could “burn itself out” and the vertigo attacks will go away. I will be 60-65 at that point, and, I hope, still in good enough shape to go hiking.

    One of my childhood homes, Carmel Valley, CA has a Saddle Mountain. I believe it is a state park. My new home also has a Saddle Mountain, which can be seen from my living room window. I joke that the one in Carmel Valley is western saddle and this one looks more like an English Saddle (but with a horn, like the western saddles have). It is 3 miles of switch backs and that last half mile is very, very steep . The view is exquisite. I wish I’d known, on that last hike, that it was probably going to be my last time, because I would have paid more attention and socialized less.

    The first vertigo attack hit hard while I was driving Interstate 5 through Portland. I was terrified. “10:00 and 2:00” I told myself, positioning my hands on the steering wheel and staring straight ahead until I could pull over, call my husband, and have him and our oldest daughter come and get me (from 2 hours away). The surgery, diuretic and low salt diet help a great deal, and the attacks are much less often. But I will never risk having an attack (lasting from 2 to 24 hours) on a mountain top or while driving on a highway.

    I don’t drive further than around town (because I can feel one coming on and can call for help), which means I don’t travel alone and may never attend one of Laura’s workshops again. I often forget my hearing aid, because the other ear hears fine and so I often don’t remember to put it in until, half way through my day, someone sits down on my right side and I can’t make out what he/she is saying. I also have to let my husband or someone know where I’m going when I walk dogs, always bring my cell phone along–both of which I hate– and can no longer lightheartedly veer off course because some other path looks more interesting. I hate this the most, but, because I’m terribly dyslexic I could NOT be relied upon to give good directions if I needed help. One of the triggers is being jarred by a fall or slipping on lose gravel, wet ground, etc, which is why I have to take these precautions. I also have a reactive dog, so don’t want to risk “the kindness of strangers” if they were to note I was in need of help. Oh, and I also really miss ordering soup at a restaurant (I have to dilute everything due to the sodium content). I once wrote a poem called I Want Soup. I gave a copy to the restaurant which inspired the poem and they keep it in their soup recipe book. “I’m in a book!” I joked.

    Over this last year I have become the queen of good self-care and have discovered that what I once thought was good self-care was really just covering the basics. I listen to my body better than I ever have before.
    But while some Saturday night’s I’ve had to turn down dancing with my husband, along with bike rides with my family (so grateful our young adult daughters still enjoy spending time with us) and can’t always order what I want at a restaurant, I do go dancing, do walk my dogs, do go on bike rides and have found ways to make diluted soups delicious (thank you God for Bone Broth, which is only 95 milligrams of sodium and fresh herbs!).

    In fact, recently I went on a trip to Florida and, because I have seasick pills to help with the vertigo, I was the Go-To person during our friend’s wedding, which was on a yacht. We traveled the canal in South Florida and so someone joked “You’re in Miami 5 minutes and already you’re a drug dealer!” And, by the way, despite dancing on a rocking boat, I never even needed to take anything.

    I really hope that I get to hike Saddle Mountain again (either one), and, more importantly, have my independence back, but I have to say that I am grateful for all I’ve learned about self-care, and for how much more I appreciate my dog walks, bike rides and dancing with my husband, for the times when I can do these things are so much more precious now.
    I also appreciate how much I have learned about interdependence and much nicer life is because of this.

    Reply
    • Laura Davis says

      September 17, 2019 at 4:44 pm

      Wynne, it sounds like you’re doing as well as you can with a really tough life-changing situation. Sending love and best wishes your way.

      Reply
      • Wynne says

        September 17, 2019 at 5:01 pm

        Thanks!

        Reply

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Like this Virtual Vacation?

You can also read about Laura’s travels to:

Peru 2017

In which Laura and Karyn and 18 writers explore Machu Picchu and the Sacred Valley of Peru.

Serbia 2017

In which Laura leads a workshop at the Incest Trauma Center.

Greece 2016

In which Laura explores the wonders of Crete and Santorini with a wide-eyed group of Write, Travel, Transform adventurers.

Vietnam 2015/16

In which Laura, who grew up during the Vietnam War, goes to Southeast Asia and finds out what Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia are really like today.

Commonweal 2015

A journey toward healing loss and grief in a magnificent Northern California setting.

Scotland 2015

In which Laura returns to Scotland with a new group for another jaunt through the wonders of the Scottish Highlands.

Scotland 2013

In which Laura attends the Edinburgh theatre festival and leads 14 writers to a magical retreat in the highlands of Northern Scotland.

Bali 2013

In which Laura visits Australia, and spends three weeks diving, exploring, and teaching in three regions of Bali.

Florida 2014

A journey into old age in America in which Laura brings her 86-year-old mother to Florida so she can see her last surviving sister one final time.

Mexico 2014

In which Laura attends the San Miguel Writer’s Conference and explores the artistic towns around Patzcuaro.

About Laura Davis

In the course of my career as a communicator, I have also worked as a columnist, talk show host, radio reporter, radio producer, blogger, editor, and speaker. Words have always been at the core of my work and my self-expression. Read More . . .

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Retreating with Laura: Julie Sheehan

Julie Sheehan

For many years I put off my dream of writing and traveling. I told myself the kids were too little, my husband could never survive without me, that I couldn't possibly be so selfish. I couldn't imagine realistically stepping out of all of my responsibilities and roles. Then I started attending Laura’s summer retreat at Commonweal in northern California and that became an annual gift to myself for the next three years.

When the opportunity to travel with Laura internationally came up, my Land of Later mentality said I could never pull it off. But when my friend got cancer at age 39, I decided to stop taking life and it's endless opportunities to grow, live, nurture and explore myself for granted.

My children were 6 and 9 when I began allowing myself the luxurious pleasure of taking 10 days to two weeks each year to travel abroad with Laura, to spend time with like minded, soul searching people who share a passion for living and writing, to have all my meals prepared for me, to have the space and freedom to stretch out of my cage and check in with who I am, what I want, and how best to get there.

Laura is a skilled and nurturing teacher who encourages her students to take risks, to grow as human beings, and to be vulnerable. She has provided me with a forum where I can gain all my CEUs and learn techniques on how to become a more engaging writer, all while completing yearly emotional rehab.

I return home from each of Laura’s trip a little wiser, a little more open, and a lot more compassionate. I greet my family, friends and daily life with sparkly, clean energy and a renewed patience, brought about by way of re-writing old stories that I needed to let go of. I come home ready to move forward in my life.

A retreat with Laura Davis is one of the best gifts I ever received and gave myself. It took many years to realize that I was worth the time and financial investment, but now there is no looking back.

Julie Sheehan, Livermore California

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